The Aftershocks of Divorce
It has been almost ten years — I still can’t believe it has been that long — since I discovered I was going to be a single woman again. After two years of marriage to my best friend (with whom I’d been together for ten years), I was informed that he no longer wanted to be married to me. Shocked, amazed, and a bit panicky, I fought tooth and nail. I begged, pleaded, prayed, stomped my feet. I did everything I could think of to fix it. I let him go. I demanded he come back. I was a walking contradiction. My baby was only four months old. My house addition had literally been finished and the inspection approved for about a day. In a time that should have been the happiest, I was thrown into a confusing and horrifying spot.
Somehow, I picked up the pieces. Somehow, I found myself through it all, and learned that I was a pretty cool gal to be with. After the divorce was finalized, I gave myself a year before I started actively pursuing the dating world. I needed to know who I really was and what I really wanted. I needed time to be alone with me. It was a beautiful yet lonely time. My daughter and teaching career filled my days; and cleaning, reading, and Netflix filled my evenings.
After that year was up, I met Aaron. We fell in love, were engaged, and celebrated our nuptials. I am ridiculously in love with this man who gets me — all of me — and still wants to hang out with me.
That doesn’t mean I’m not still dealing with the aftershocks of divorce.
You can’t be in love with someone and then married to them and then give birth to their child without having some semblance of feelings even after the papers have been signed. It just doesn’t happen. Do I love him like I used to? No. That feeling is long gone. Do I love him as I’m called to love him? Yes. He’s the father of my oldest child.
Poor Aaron has to deal with my PTSD. I do not use this term lightly. I truly believe that I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. If Aaron leaves for an evening out or golf round with the guys, I’m suddenly thrust back into that dark period of my life when I didn’t know what was happening or who to believe. I am constantly watching my phone and hoping for some sort of word from my husband. If he doesn’t respond right away to my texts, I grow angry and weepy.
It’s embarrassing, really. And thank the good Lord Aaron is as patient as he is. When I get home, he gets the silent treatment for a while as I sort through my emotions. Then, I tell him how angry I was at him for actually having fun without me and not texting me immediately. He smiles his patient smile, hugs me, and reminds me how much he loves me.
I know he does. He’s outstanding. He’s the father of my boys and the father of whatever future baby we end up having. He’s my absolute best friend, and he’s really cute. I couldn’t have asked for a better blessing than what He gave me.
As much as I could go on and on about how I’m impacted by my divorce, I’m a grown up who can rationalize and understand that sometimes, things just don’t work out. The person who is really feeling these aftershocks? My daughter.
Today, I saw this video, and it made me think of her:
When I walked in to her room to tell her goodnight last night, she sat there with tears on her face. She told me that she and a friend were discussing the separation of their parents. She lamented the fact that she rarely gets to see her dad and that not having her parents together was really hard.
All I could do was hug her. I’m lucky enough that my parents are still married today, 48 years after they celebrated their wedding day. I have no clue how much her heart hurts or what to really even say to her to make it better.
And I can’t fix it at all. Her father and I will not be getting remarried. We are each happily married to our respective partners. She must now deal with the fact that for the rest of her life, she’s always a product of divorce. For her, I hate this.
Is there some way to smooth it out for her? All I can think to do is to show her that love doesn’t always end in divorce. I can show her the many relationships that are still going strong and still happy. And I can promise to love her father in the way I’m called to love him as a fellow human and the father of my sweet and beautiful girl.
Thanks for sharing, Lydia. I cried a lot when I saw this video today, and I cried a little when I read your post. Not because I’m that parent, but because I’m that child. It always hurts, even (maybe especially) when your 35 and you see how that age-old divorce is now affecting your own baby. It hits him directly because of bitterness and jealousy coming from one side of the fence. And it hits him indirectly because of the “fight or flight” perspective that this child of divorce learned and struggles with in her own relationships. Fortunately, I have a husband who is also a product of divorce, so he gets it, and we are determined to do better.
I often wonder how people who loved each other enough to get married and have children together can harbor so much resentment toward each other, and even worse, engage their children in the battle. I’m not saying it should be easy…I know that it is not. I just pray that you and Miss Sassy Pants’s father are able to always respect each other and remember that you were once in love. If she can see that, then it will make a world of difference in her relationships with you all and with others as well.
Love you!
I can relate in so many ways from my own experience. Divorce changes everybody’s life, but especially our children’s lives. I will always keep MSP in my prayers as I do my son T. My love to you all..
This is so deep and touching, thank you for your words because this is just beautiful.
That video is hard to watch! We don’t have much divorce in my family, but I’ve seen friends go through it. It’s never easy, but the parents who handle it maturely, like you do, always seem to be better off. I’ve seen far too many parents who use the kids to attack each other and it breaks my heart!
I recently shared a post about how hard it was for me to break free of that relationship, and move on. Divorce or splitting up after having a child with someone is NOT easy. I had a LOT of long nights, crying myself to sleep.
My husband has felt the pain from my past relationship as well – it’s taken me 7 years to not FREAK out if he isn’t home on time, or if he is having a good time with his friends not to think that he’s out cheating or doing something horrible like my ex did.
I don’t think society allows us to heal like we should – people are constantly saying you are better off without them, and you should move on right away. I do believe a healing process needs to happen before you can really move on..and then it’s STILL hard.
Thanks for sharing your story – you are a wonderful woman who can still have a loving relationship with the father of your child. .. I will pray for your continue healing and strength of your marriage with Aaron!