Control

Jyväskylä I have a lot of trouble with control…meaning, I don’t like to give up control of things.

My mother-in-law recently giggled as she said, “I know how you like to plan things…” I’m just that obvious!

I do like to plan. The entire last month of my pregnancy with the Animal, I was thinking ahead to what would happen if he was born on this day or that day. I was giving Aaron all my ideas for all the contingency plans. I was going over and over the plans for what to do with Miss Sassy Pants with my mom. I planned, and planned, and planned. And then the Animal was just here – unplanned!

It’s not bad to plan. You need to know what’s coming next – when this appointment is or what you’ll do with the extra money you made this month. I try really hard to keep an open mind and realize that things change. Once upon a time, when my life was turned upside down, I had a mantra: “I can’t change it, so why try?” I said it to myself over and over. Things were that bad, and I had to find a way to just make it day by day.

But my life isn’t upside down now. In fact, it’s really right side up – just tough. I have a 2 month old and a 6.5 year old (going on 16, by the way). I have an awesome husband that I haven’t been able to just stare at and talk to for longer than 30 minutes. I teach online and want to devote my time there. I have a house that stares at me and begs to be organized and cleaned. I have a cat who hates me – well, she likes me when I feed her. And I have 2 dogs who really wonder why I won’t talk to them or love on them as much (I just don’t have time!). So, while all of that sounds very basic and not-so-bad, it’s stressful and wonderful all at the same time. I’m so richly blessed.

And that’s what I need to keep telling myself. But, instead, I’m trying to control things. I want the Animal on a schedule so I know when I can tell Miss Sassy Pants that we’ll do our nails or our hair or go to the store…but he’s only 8 weeks old – I’m nuts to expect a schedule right now. I want him to sleep longer than 45 minutes at a time during the day so I can work or run or read or shave my legs!

I want a lot of things, but they just aren’t happening right now. And that’s ok. At least, I need to keep telling myself that. I’m not the one in control – as much as I wish I was. I will never be in control. I have to let go.

The Animal will figure out his sleeping.
Miss Sassy Pants will learn to behave because I will be a consistent and loving mom.
Aaron and I will have some alone time again someday…and sooner than it seems.
I will be able to find a schedule and work online without too much distraction (notice I said TOO much).

I will find a rhythm, and it will work. I will be an awesome stay-at-home mom. I can do this. But, I have to let go of the reigns. There is a much higher being in control of this world and universe, and I need to let Him take care of me.

Once I get that in my head and really live by it, things will relax.

I’m not one for preaching or evangelizing, but this has really been on my mind. So, I turn to a couple of verses that strike me as powerful and true in these moments I’m having recently:

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Psalm 54:4

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

And perhaps my favorite and most applicable to this situation:

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

I will plan to read these over and over as I find myself trying to take complete control. I know I can plan – there’s no harm in that. But I need to stop trying to make everything fit into my idea of what perfect is because I am imperfect. After all, if I had controlled my life 6 years ago, I wouldn’t have Aaron or the Animal, and I’m certain I would not be as happy as I am now.